I don’t feel like a real person when I am depressed, and something inside of me is trying to climb out and say,” stop it, I want to be happy.”
He was always considered a strong person but inside he felt as if no one really knew him because he covered himself with a smile and a warm embrace every time you saw him.
He said to me once that people thought he was so together but they did not know who he really was.
He spent most of his life in silent anguish because he never told anyone what he was really thinking and especially what he was feeling inside.
He felt as if he was tormented most of the time and could not break out of the internal bond that was holding him in misery.
And it was not really him, it was the depression inside of his spirit that kept him from being able to talk about it with anyone.
So he continued his struggle alone and once in a while he would talk to me and tell me bits and pieces of the difficulties that kept him where he was today; suffering in silence because he felt that no one would be able to help him come out of the deep and dark hole he was in.
And he felt that it was his fault because he could not form the words to tell others of his distance and internal sadness.
Once he told me that there was trauma in his life and that someone had abused him but he did not want to go into detail about what happened.
And today it is an up and down struggle for him and for me because I do not know where to tap into this spirit that waits inside hoping that I can help.
And I continue side by side with him down the road to no where and somewhere because I never know if something positive will sneak out of his body and send a smile to me.
Most of the time spoken words are few and when they are spoken in negative ways I feel depressed myself for a few moments until I remember that this is not me and I have to separate myself from him.
And I begin to think that I better travel alone down the path and leave him to sort it out for himself because that is what everyone tells me to do. But I will stand by his side as long as I can to be there when he comes back to me.
And if he does not return I will stay because he needs me to be there no matter what the consequences that life brings.
Dedicated to Robin Williams and others who travel down the depression road. Seek out help of friends and professionals to guide you back to living life well in mind, body and spirit. You will find that life is worth living.
For Depression, more information.